Ep. 104 | You Can't Control Your Way To Happiness (Here's What Will Help)

Constantly worrying that one of your cases will have a complication you don't know how to handle? Feeling overextended because you said yes to one too many things? Resentful that you're the one who has to do everything? Tired of healthy habits that don't stick no matter how hard you try?

At the root of all of those is a desire to control. But the more you try to control outcomes, what others think of you, and the way things are done, the more you actually push yourself further from the life you want — one where you feel confident, grounded, and have time and energy left for you.

That's what we dive into in this episode. Control isn't actually about the thing you're trying to control. It's about avoiding feeling something. Once you realize that, you can start focusing your time and energy on what is in your control. You'll learn 2 things you can start doing today to loosen the reins — so you can feel less anxious, frustrated, and overwhelmed, and have more time, energy, and capacity to enjoy the life you have.

Transcript

Welcome to the Life Boost with Amelia podcast where we're changing the narrative around what true health and success look like. They should give you energy, not drain it. I'm your host, Dr. Amelia — multi-passionate integrative health and life coach, entrepreneur, and recovered burnout veterinarian. Together, we'll explore the science behind how your brain and body work, including the unconscious mind, while also connecting with what your heart needs in order to stand up to the norm of feeling stuck on a hamster wheel — working hard yet feeling exhausted and not where you want to be — and instead live a life that makes you excited to get out of bed in the morning and in love with who you see when you look in the mirror. The reality is, if you do what everyone else is doing, you're not going to feel good. Let's break the norm.

You Can't Control Your Way to Happiness

You can't control your way to happiness. Control has been at the root of so many conversations that I have been having multiple times a day the past couple of weeks, and I wanted to dive into it because I have a feeling it is showing up in your life too in a way that's contributing to anxiety or overwhelm or frustration — and it doesn't have to be that way.

How the Need to Control Shows Up in Everyday Life

So some examples of where I see this relationship with control showing up can be in vet med. We want to control the outcome of every case, right? And when we can't, there's a sense of anxiety. We're wanting every single surgery to go absolutely perfect, and there's fear of it going wrong. Or when something does have a little bit of a complication, then we really beat ourselves up and have self-doubt.

It could be that you want to control the care that your patients receive, and so you're feeling overextended because you always want to be available to your clients. You want to make sure they're getting that care in the way that you want them to versus going somewhere else or doing something that may not get them the level of care that you think they deserve.

Control in Relationships

It can show up in relationships. Maybe you are feeling resentful because you feel like you are always the one having to do everything — but at the same time, you like everything to be done the way that you like it. And so you are always doing all the things because there's this frustration of, “Ugh, they didn't do it the right way. It's easier for me to just do it the way that I like it.”

This can certainly show up with leadership positions as well.

Control and Your Health (and Diet Culture)

It can have to do with health. Maybe thanks to diet culture, there's this sense of, “I need to be totally in control. I need to control the food that I'm getting, what I'm doing. I need to document it all.” Or maybe, “I need to rely on willpower, not allow myself to have this food that I want, because that's how I'm going to have the body that makes me feel good.” And so you end up feeling deprived because you're not allowing yourself to have some foods that feel good.

Controlling How Others See You

It could be wanting to control the way that other people see you. And so there's a tendency to say the things that you think they want to hear, or to say yes even when you want to say no, because you want people to like you. You don't want anyone to be upset with you.

Controlling Your Decisions

It can also be wanting to have control that you are making the right decision, having complete confidence in that. And so it leads to a lot of worry or overanalyzing because you want to make sure you make the right decision — but it can be impossible to know before you've actually taken action and seen what happens.

Why We Crave Control in the First Place

So there are so many ways that this sense of control shows up in our lives, and it makes so much sense — because when we are in control of things, we are safer. If I could control what people thought of me and every outcome, and everything could be perfect and people would always like me, that would be amazing. That would feel great.

But the reality is, it's not possible. And so when we think that more control is going to help us to have more of what we want, that ends up actually pushing us farther away from the feelings that we really want.

That's because it's not possible to control everything around us, to be able to always predict the outcomes, or to control what other people think of us. And so if we spend so much time and energy and brain power trying to do that, that is what leads to exhaustion, constant anxiety, frustration, overwhelm, and eventually burnout. It's not what will help you to actually feel fulfilled.

What You Can Actually Control

Here's the good news: while you can't control external circumstances or what others think, you can control the way that you react when things don't go as planned, and you can control you. So that is a worthwhile place to focus your energy. And it's what's going to help to lead to more sustainable and fulfilling success.

The Real Reason We Try to Control: Avoiding a Feeling

Now here's what I really want you to sit with. Control isn't actually about the thing that you are trying to control. It's actually about avoiding feeling something. Because there is this unconscious belief that's happening where it's thinking, “If I can control this thing, then this won't happen, and I won't have to feel this feeling.”

If you really take this concept to heart, it is going to give you back so much energy and brain space. Because the good news is that you can survive feelings. Your nervous system may not want to, but whatever feeling you are avoiding is something that you can actually survive.

And so when you realize it's more about increasing your capacity to feel discomfort, that is how you start to become unstoppable. It's also how you start getting so much time and energy back for you.

Healthy Control vs. Over-Control: Knowing the Difference

We're going to go over two things that you can start doing today that are going to help you to be able to loosen the reins a little bit, and to not have to focus so much on controlling external circumstances, other people, or the way things are done.

But I also want to acknowledge: it's not bad to want to control things. To a certain extent, that is really helpful in helping us to live the life the way that we want to and to feel the way that we want to feel.

An example that comes to mind is — I have chosen to not have kids. And so there are things that are in my control, decisions that I can make (for example, with birth control) that help to make it much less likely that I am going to have a kid when I don't want to. But if that became all-consuming, if I was so terrified of that outcome and I really tried to control too much, then that would mean I'd probably be robbing myself of pleasure and connection and fulfillment.

Your Body Will Tell You When You're Over-Controlling

So this is something to be observing. It always comes back to tuning into your body and being able to recognize when you are in a stress response. When you are feeling totally overwhelmed and like you can't slow down or rest. When you're feeling really frustrated or irritable with people, like nobody can do anything right. Or when you have no energy, no motivation.

Those are the moments to pause and think about what is contributing, and think about, “Am I trying to control something too much?” That's when it is showing you that you're veering away from something that you can control in a way that's helpful.

For example, wanting every case to go right. What is in your power is preparing and learning. But what isn't in your power is knowing with 100% confidence that you are going to automatically have the right answer, know exactly what is happening, and feel totally prepared for whatever case walks in the door.

And so it's looking at this balance between what is in your control versus what are the things that are outside of your control — and being able to be okay that you can't control that.

Or when we look at food: to a certain extent, it is in your control to find what works best for your body and to make those choices. But if there's suddenly this belief of, “I can't have this amount of carbs per day,” or, “Suddenly I'll feel out of control,” or, “I won't have the perfect body,” then that's really detracting from fulfillment and taking away the joy from eating.

So there's a spectrum, and your body is always going to tell you when you are reaching that limit of trying to control things that are out of your control.

Two Strategies to Stop Over-Controlling

So here are the two things that you can start doing that are going to help.

1. Increase Your Tolerance to Discomfort

The first is increasing your tolerance to feeling discomfort. I talk a lot about nervous system regulating tools, anti-anxiety tools. That is not because I don't ever want you to feel anxious. It's not about being able to always avoid uncomfortable emotions. It's actually about feeling more comfortable feeling discomfort.

Because when you learn tools that help to shift you out of an overwhelmed state, then it starts to be a lot less intimidating or scary to feel those hard, uncomfortable emotions.

So often what our brains are imagining is, “Oh my gosh, I'm going to make this mistake, and then my life is going to be over, and I am going to be completely distraught.” And then your brain — it's like this GIF — it just freezes in that moment and you're like, “That will be my life from that point on.”

But that's not true. Life keeps happening. You are going to move forward. You can get the support, you can process those emotions, and you're not going to be stuck there like your brain imagines.

And so a huge piece of being able to release some of that need to control is learning that you can feel discomfort and it's okay. Really increasing your window of tolerance, we call it.

How to Practice Expanding Your Window of Tolerance

This is something that you can practice. Notice when you are really resisting feeling something. Maybe it's the end of the day and you are just wanting to numb because you just feel super irritated. Or maybe you're not allowing yourself to cry — you think that you need to just stay tough, even if you're just watching a movie or something. Maybe you're avoiding the feeling of embarrassment or vulnerability.

Practice allowing yourself to feel a little bit of that and seeing proof that you do survive.

So I really love Faster EFT, which involves tapping on different calming acupressure points, because it's a great way — when you are stuck and spiraling, or you keep replaying something in your mind, or you're really anxious about something — to help you shift out of that state.

The 90-Second Rule for Emotions

The reality is the biochemical reaction of an emotion only lasts for up to ninety seconds. It's only if you continue to feed into that feeling with your thoughts, or you stay stuck in that situation, that it's going to continue.

So what you can practice doing is being like, “Okay, I notice I'm really resisting this feeling. I'm gonna let myself feel it for 90 seconds.” And then if you feel like you are getting stuck there, turning to tapping.

A Faster EFT Tapping Walkthrough

I'm going to walk you through it right now. What you do is start just tapping right on the top of your head. And say something like, “I release and let this go.”

Then tap right in between your eyebrows. Again, say, “I release and let this go.”

Tap right outside your eye where you can feel the bone. “I release and let this go.”

Tap right below your eye, again, where you feel the bone there. “I release and let this go.”

Then tap on your collarbone. “I release and let this go.”

You might notice that you yawn or take a big breath. And then hold onto your wrist and take a breath in. And slowly exhale twice the amount of time.

So right now, if you are feeling overwhelmed or anxious about something, I recommend pausing this and doing a few more rounds, and notice how much shifts when you pause and give your nervous system the memo that you are safe.

And the more that you find nervous system tools that help you to shift out of an overwhelmed state, the more you're going to feel okay to start giving yourself permission to feel some of those emotions that you've been avoiding.

2. Prove to Your Brain That It's Okay to Not Control Outcomes

The second thing to do is to start proving to your brain that it's okay to not have control of outcomes. So what I recommend is giving yourself a little challenge to start doing little things that scare you or feel uncomfortable, and start seeing those as a huge win.

Create a list — maybe on your notes app or a physical list — and every time you do something that's a little outside of your comfort zone, give yourself a huge star and write that down as such a big success. And a success is that you took that action, that you allowed yourself to be a little bit vulnerable or to do something scary, regardless of what the outcome was.

Why This Rewires Your Brain

This is really important because your brain right now, any time you do something that feels a little bit uncomfortable, it is probably labeling that as bad.

It's like, “Ooh, I said that thing that was embarrassing, and then I felt awful, and that was a terrible thing, and I hope I never do it again.” Or, “I made that decision, and now I'm totally regretting it, and I hate that I did that, and now I need to control and think way harder before making any other decision.” Or, “I posted that thing on social media, and oof, I got really mean comments,” or, “I got crickets, and that feels horrible.”

And then it labels that bad. But it's not.

Instead, if you start to see, “I did that thing that was a little outside of my comfort zone, and that was such a huge win,” you are helping to train your brain to have a positive association with that — to start actually feeling proud of it instead of seeing it as something to avoid.

Examples of Comfort-Zone Challenges

So what that could look like for you is looking at what are the things that you tend to avoid or that you really over-prepare for, and how can you challenge yourself just a little bit to start doing pieces of that?

It could be posting on social media without over-planning or editing a ton of times. It could be making a little decision without completely over-analyzing it and looking at all of the options. It could be that you practice speaking up for a boundary, that you say no even though that felt really scary. If you're really restrictive with food, maybe it can be that you're practicing adding nourishing carbs to your meal and seeing that that's okay.

Every time you do this, you are helping to increase your tolerance. It's going to get easier and easier to do those scary things because you are seeing proof that you can survive.

Quick Recap: How to Release the Need to Control

So to recap:

• Start noticing the times when you are trying to control things, and remember — it is not actually about that thing that you are trying to control. It is actually about avoiding a feeling.
• Practice increasing your tolerance to feeling that. Rather than trying to control more, practice loosening, practice allowing yourself to feel some of those feelings, noticing that you can survive any feeling.
• Give yourself a mini challenge. Maybe it's to do 10 things, 20, 50, 100. What feels fun and a little bit scary but exciting to you for this mini challenge of doing things that feel a little bit outside of your comfort zone — and starting to see those as a huge success.

Ready for Deeper Support? The Aligned Success Reboot

Now, if this is really resonating — if you're realizing that control is showing up in a lot of aspects of your life and draining your energy, leading to feeling overextended, anxious, frustrated, or overwhelmed — pause and imagine: how much energy and time do you think you could get back if you didn't have to try to control those things so much?

Just imagine what that would do.

And if you're realizing that that would really change things in a big way and you'd like support with that, that's exactly the kind of work we do in my coaching program, the Aligned Success Reboot.

Monthly Deep Healing & Unconscious Unblocking Calls

One of the ways that I support you in this program is with a monthly deep healing and unconscious unblocking call. Because so often we try to create change just by logically thinking about it in our conscious mind. But as you're seeing, there's so much that's happening underneath the surface at the unconscious level — these patterns, like this control, this unconscious belief of, “I need to control this so that this doesn't happen, so I don't have to feel this.”

Often we're not even consciously aware that that's happening. We're just aware that we don't really like the way that we feel.

So this kind of class is where we create change at the unconscious level and work to give the nervous system a software update while connecting with your inner wisdom. And every month, I look at a big theme and design it around that — and one of the big themes was control this month, so that's one of the things we'll be doing.

Group Coaching Calls

Other ways I support you are with group coaching calls. So if you're realizing, “Oof, this is something that I really want to be able to loosen the reins with, let go of needing to control, but that's feeling really hard” — or you're like, “I want to speak up for this boundary, but man, I really am feeling tightness in my chest just thinking about it” — that's where you can come. We will talk through it together so that you can feel differently and start taking those big steps to move forward.

Private Library + Onboarding

It also includes access to my private Life Boost website with a huge library of self-paced courses and resources designed to help you to shift out of survival mode and to start creating a life that helps you to thrive in your career with less overwhelm, to feel confident in your body without restriction, and to have more time and energy left for you without the guilt.

And because there are so many resources there to support you, I also include private onboarding. That way, I get to know you and your current challenges, I can help you to start identifying the root patterns that are getting in the way, and we can find the best starting point for you that works with your current energy and capacity.

How to Learn More

If you'd like to learn more, you can visit www.lifeboost.today/aligned-success-reboot. I'll also leave the link in the show notes. When you visit that page, you'll get all the details, and then if you click Take the First Step, that will take you to a few quick questions to answer so that we can start a conversation and explore if it's the right fit for you.

Let's Connect

Now, I'd love to hear from you. How is this desire to control showing up in your life? And let me know when you do your little challenge — when you do something that feels a little bit outside of your comfort zone — so that I can celebrate that as such a huge success with you.

Sending you so much love, positive vibes, and energy.